Things that really chap my bum....

So folks, this is my first blog ever. Wow, does it feel good to be an American today. I could go on hours about all the things that just really make me furious, so I decided the best thing to do would write this down and hopefully you can relate. I would like to warn you first, my grammar sucks because I got C’s throughout high school and was eventually put into the lowest English class you can imagine, but that is neither here nor there. So without any further ado I would like to welcome you to top fifteen things that really burns my britches…

When chicks with double D jubblies wear slutty shirts, and then yell at me for staring at their boobs… Uhhh last time I checked your boobs started staring at me first sweety pants, so what do you expect me to do?

When I stub my toe on furniture that has been in the same place for multiple years (ya I’m talking about you; couch that has been in my living room since I was 5) yet still out of nowhere it decides to attack my big toe for no reason.

When I go on spring break and out of nowhere a nice black prostitute tricks me into thinking she is a cabby and then proceeds to steal 500$ from me. (I give you credit smartest prostitute in America but in no way does that make you my friend just because you outsmarted me… Sooner or later I’ll find you in the slums of Daytona and take back the money that is rightfully mine, butthead.)

Also, when I go on spring break and get kicked out of Wendy’s for jumping over the counter to help make burgers because the line is so long… Yes, great move kicking out the grilling master of the universe just because I’m not formally employed. And just for your information Wendy’s, when you kicked me out there was no need to actually throw me on the ground, I skinned my knee really badly and could have sued you… freakin’ jerks.

Coming home from work on a Friday in ass-to-ass traffic and people decide I’m the perfect person to cut off. Since when does it mean cut me off, when I’m giving you the finger and at the same time yelling at you… rot in Hell people, rot…in…Hell.

While at college my roommate (who sleeps above me) decides to nail his overly plump girlfriend, only because they think I am sound asleep….Wow, even if I was anywhere near asleep the weird ass noises you two make could scare me out of a dream with Pamela Anderson and Carmen Electra making out and pausing to say, “Please little Irish kid, join us you hunky man” for Christ sake roomie, show some class.

The one time I watched this porno where the guy was dunking a girls head into a toilet while she gasps for air… I didn’t know whether to get a boner or call 911 to help the poor chick… Pure scariness… I still can’t have sex anywhere near a bathroom to this day because of that porno. You really scared me for life…

When an ex girlfriend sends me an IM that says, “ Steve I am so glad we broke up, I didn’t realize how immature you were until I met my new boyfriend, he’s so much better than you.” Wow, what a kick to the junk that IM was.... yet oddly hilarious all at the same time.

When Loop Fag (Brandon Latulippe) gets drunk and either A. decides to tell everyone how he is going to drive if no one takes his keys. Or B) Cries like a little school girl about how Jame Wunch and Steve Campo don’t call him anymore. In real life I would never make fun of you because you are bigger than me and can punch really hard, but this is the greatest part about my blog- I can call you the biggest sissy pants this side of the Mississippi and not care…

How about when I take a girl out to the bar and start to hold her hand for .2 seconds and Lynch decides to make fun of me for it the rest of the night. Ya, it’s funny at first. But then after a while, I find myself thinking of multiple ways to kill him. Most normal people would find this disturbing, because lets face it, no one should want to kill their friends. However, most of you reading this have never met the kid, and if you did you would completely agree with me. (Person who responds with the most creative way to put Lynch out of his misery will get 1 dollar from me. No joke)

The fact that my family laughs in my face and tells me that I’m adopted because they feel I have Chinese eyes (what idiots).

All the times I look in the mirror and see for myself that I really do have Chinese eyes and could possibly be adopted (son of a biiiiiitch).

The time two years ago, when I went for a jog to get in shape but ran too far and had to call my mom to have her come get me. Wow, that was pretty humiliating.

When I take a girl out to dinner and see the bill is for over fifty dollars, so I drop the oh-so-clever line of, “hunny bear, I left my wallet in the car do you mind picking the tab up now and I’ll pay you back later,” and later on in the night she actually does ask me for the money back.
Thanks a lot you cheap jerk …you mean to tell me you couldn’t pick up the tab one time, at least do it for the reason I dropped the best excuse ever on why I shouldn’t pay.

The fact that chicks fifteen years old look like they could be twenty year old super models, this throws me off every time. I see a really sexy mama and go to check her out only to realize she’s not even old enough to get into Chuck E. Cheese yet. Sometimes, I find myself debating whether it is worth going to jail for a hot girl whose only 15… I mean how dare you have boobs and wear sexy miniskirts, and look at me like I am Brad Pitt, I mean it’s just not fair sometimes. Shape up or ship out cuties….

The time when I was a glorious bagger at Market Basket. Yet, when I show up, everyone told me to go look at the new schedule, I thought they gave me more hours and a raise because I was so good at seperating breads from foods that could crush them. However, the exact opposite happend, they had a big black line through my name saying,"see manager"... luckily for me though I was too immature at the time to actually get fired face to face, so I went home and made myself a tastey snack instead... I do not regret that decision at all.

And finally, lets talk about how my dad after 22 years of living with me still calls me his gay son…. On second thought lets save that discussion for another night...